Month: October 2023

How To Use A Microwave

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first, only eat food raw, ideally just vegetables, fruits, nuts, that hot box will give you cancer, but if you must use it, push more than one button, the beeping sounds are soothing, if it says poke holes, stab with a fork, the plastic will succumb, if frozen, stare at what you will soon eat, looks like frozen february mud, mud is dirt, remember what your camp counselor said, god made dirt and dirt don’t hurt, enjoy the microwave glow, better than a sunset, hawaii on a kitchen counter, when it stops, rapidly consume, that is the whole point, life needs to be done quickly.

How To Commute On A California Highway

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first, don’t get in your car, bike the 18 miles, you will never get there in time and that’s okay, second, stay in the right lane, but go at least 75, this scares cars getting on the freeway, but the thrill is worth it, if you must leave the right lane, do it quickly, stare at old toyota camrys, space out for several seconds, this was your high school ride, keep wishing you were younger, never turn on the radio, it interferes with your breathing, listen to your inhale/exhale, if a tesla is speeding (and they always are), drive nearby, they will get pulled over, not you, if you see an 18 wheeler, stay behind it, imagine that square as a canvas, what would banksy paint there? try to remember that each vehicle contains at least one human, they are really alive, you must protect them, this means checking blind spots and using a turn signal, whatever you do, don’t think too much, the asphalt and fluorescent lines don’t care, they’ve seen thousands of you.

How To Use Email

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first, remember to delete, nothing is important, next, when in doubt, hide, no one knows if you are really there anyway, third, bcc people you barely know, this keeps life interesting, forwarding messages is also a good idea, especially if they are attached, to you, or, if you have an attachment, don’t forget technology is a tool and it doesn’t exist at all if you don’t look at it, close your eyes, never open your computer or phone, it might come out and scare you, or ask you questions, especially ignore the inbox, it really means outbox, like outhouse, spam goes to the bathroom, always send emails before 5am, shows you really care, trash happens, enjoy destruction, the space bar is never useful, shift doesn’t matter, hit return to before.